Wow! I loved how you made the readers believe that Tim was never going to pick you but then completely surprised us. Also you had lots of emotional details that were good because it helped realize how important this guy was to you.
I found a summer plum instead, hee hee. Tim and I ended up being good friends in high school. In that sense, I hope you find a Tim too. It's great to have a guy friend who can always give you the "guy perspective" on life and love. :)
Personally I think that it was well written but a little predictable. Perhaps if you added something about (if it really happened) some other boy who you didn't like who "liked" you and hadn't asked yet. To make it slightly less predictable you could just divert your readers attention and bring Tim out of the blue. Perhaps you could focus on something else, and when Tim comes it could be something like this: Suddenly I felt someone taking my hand. I looked up, and there was Tim Somerville. I had been ogling over him with Cara for forever. He was my dream. Actually this came as a surprise. If anyone had to choose between me and Cara, they would certainly choose her. (Description of Cara and then continue as you did). I personally think that the story would be better then it already is (which is hard to top) if Tim wan't quite so predictable. Other than that, I think that that was a great story!
George, you are absolutely correct in calling me out on predictability. It's the one aspect of my story which I have disliked through every re-write (and I've done a few!). I had my students help me write the ending about three years ago, and they really liked it, but I agree with you 100%. Thank you for the honest feedback!
I really liked your story like about how you described the whole story really well Awesome Job. I wanted to read the story more and it really caught my eye. Your story was amazing.
Wow, Ms. McD, what a great story. It took me right back to my Middle School days, and yes, those awkward dances too. I absolutely love the summer peach metaphor too. What a great image. Thanks for writing this story. It was the perfect morning snack!
Thats so sweet of Tim to chose you to the dance. This was definitely a moment for you. I love this story.
ReplyDeleteI wish a similar moment of success for you too, Jay! :)
DeleteI really like how you expressed your feelings in the story about Tim. I thought it was a great story to read!
ReplyDeleteI had BIG feelings for Tim. I had such a crush on him all through HS. Remind me to show you a photo in class tomorrow. :)
DeleteWow! I loved how you made the readers believe that Tim was never going to pick you but then completely surprised us. Also you had lots of emotional details that were good because it helped realize how important this guy was to you.
ReplyDeleteSuch lovely flattery. You are very good at giving specific feedback!
DeleteI love how you used flipbook not a long paper. If it was a long paper I would of never read it. It brought me in. Well done.
ReplyDeleteA good observation, Harvey. You'll get to use one of these flipbooks too when you publish your memoir to your blog next month. :)
DeleteThis is such an amazing story I almost cried. I love how even in the first sentence it got my attention.
ReplyDeleteThat is the ultimate compliment to say that you almost cried! Let's give your memoir a powerful opening too!
DeleteYou use such descriptive words that just made the story even better. I love the ending, and I couldn't stop reading.
ReplyDeleteSo sweet (even if you are lying...) :)
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DeleteI think your story is like 'a summer peach' (heehehhehe) I loved it I hope someday I find a Tim.... Did you?
ReplyDeleteI found a summer plum instead, hee hee. Tim and I ended up being good friends in high school. In that sense, I hope you find a Tim too. It's great to have a guy friend who can always give you the "guy perspective" on life and love. :)
DeletePersonally I think that it was well written but a little predictable. Perhaps if you added something about (if it really happened) some other boy who you didn't like who "liked" you and hadn't asked yet. To make it slightly less predictable you could just divert your readers attention and bring Tim out of the blue. Perhaps you could focus on something else, and when Tim comes it could be something like this: Suddenly I felt someone taking my hand. I looked up, and there was Tim Somerville. I had been ogling over him with Cara for forever. He was my dream. Actually this came as a surprise. If anyone had to choose between me and Cara, they would certainly choose her. (Description of Cara and then continue as you did). I personally think that the story would be better then it already is (which is hard to top) if Tim wan't quite so predictable. Other than that, I think that that was a great story!
ReplyDeleteGeorge, you are absolutely correct in calling me out on predictability. It's the one aspect of my story which I have disliked through every re-write (and I've done a few!). I had my students help me write the ending about three years ago, and they really liked it, but I agree with you 100%. Thank you for the honest feedback!
DeleteI really liked your story like about how you described the whole story really well Awesome Job. I wanted to read the story more and it really caught my eye. Your story was amazing.
ReplyDeleteArmaan, you are very good at compliments! :)
DeleteWow, Ms. McD, what a great story. It took me right back to my Middle School days, and yes, those awkward dances too. I absolutely love the summer peach metaphor too. What a great image. Thanks for writing this story. It was the perfect morning snack!
ReplyDelete